Sunday 9 October 2016

I am currently involved in a rehearsal process. We have a weekend to create recordings of several pieces for a dance company to dance to. The total duration of the pieces is about 45 minutes. I finished the pieces and sent them to the ensemble six weeks before the rehearsal (they were particular about that date). Out of the six players three hadn't looked at it at all, two were fairly well prepared, one was so good that it's hard to tell. The day before the rehearsal they asked to start the nine hours of rehearsals 1.5 hours later and we finished the rehearsal 1.5 hours early. After 3 hours the people who hadn't looked at the music were already tired and started complaining a little. When I introduced them to an unusual playing technique that will get time to get used to, some of them worked it out straight away, others said after 8 minutes of trying that this is very hard and they don't know if it'll work (while others were proving that it does). Whatever I suggested was ignored. Playing the right notes was always the most important thing, even when I repeatedly said that the gesture is more important than the actual pitches (and in this case I couldn't have notated it differently).
Don't get me wrong, they all seemed like lovely people and I understand that there is a reason for every problem there is. I'm sure some of them were a little ashamed that they were underprepared, and every person deals with professional situations differently. What I'm wondering is: how the hell have we ended up in a situation like this? As a composer you feel that players really don't care about the piece and what you are trying to do. It's just another project in a world where there is either too many projects at once, so no one has time to prepare anything (as one of them said) or no work. And this is not an exceptional situation. I travelled abroad for this experience. It's a universal experience. And of course there are exceptions, otherwise I would have given this up a long time ago.
But one thing has become clear one too many times now: this typical traditional "professional" situation of an established ensemble commissioning a work, rehearsing and performing is not for me. It's just too perverse to be stuck in a room with people who don't want to be there and who have to play my music to me when they really don't care about it.
I know that performers see this differently and I'm sure that there are mostly valid reasons why people don't have time to rehearse or don't have the energy to be interested in a piece. Performers also might want to blame inconsiderate composers who demand too much.
Whatever the reasons are, the fact is that this is what we have ended up with in this business and I'm just not prepared to accept it. No, it's not a case of "Well, that's how it is and we have to deal with it." because it's shit, it's not productive and, most importantly, it's not humane. I noticed how it don't enjoy hearing my own music anymore in an environment like this. It used to be thrilling. Now the thrill has gone and the perversion of the situation has revealed itself. It makes me miserable and and I'm not going to do this anymore. If you don't think it's a problem, then please do carry on. I won't. I've had enough. If I want to keep creating events that are essential to my life I have to keep looking for ways of working that are productive and fun (yes, FUN is enormously important!) for everyone.

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